A Year In Review…
With the onset of the New Years, I know there will be a million posts about resolutions and years in review. Well, this is mine…
The Good Bad and Ugly… My year in many ways was wonderful, a true dream come true. In others ways, this past year was an earth shattering wench. My highs for the year included my ARC becoming a best seller and both paid and free Kindle on Amazon and making friends with people, who I admire personally and professionally. I am still that starving author but I’m confident enough now to write a story that’s mine. I’m not trying to please my readers; I’m trying to please my muse. If you haven’t heard already I’m doing a massive rewrite on my ARC and preparing it for submission. I have several publishers in mind, but that’s for another post.
I’ve had some stunning relations about myself. Those to me are also high points. I couldn’t reach those conclusions without the love and support of my family, friends and fans. My gosh… fans?! I have fans?! That always makes me a little giddy that someone likes me and thinks I’m cool, not because of a lack of self-esteem but I’m nobody from nowhere. That is amazing to me.
I’ve also come to these conclusions through grief and pain. My year started off with a kiss and a series of pictures with my fiancé, Adam. I was the happiest I’d ever been. I had a partner, who hated reading but looked at me lovingly and said, “Did you write today?” We had a fun dynamic of mutual support, shared interests, sexual chemistry and laughter. We weren’t perfect but there was an aura of happiness and respect that we believed would carry us into a bright future.
The Day My Earth Stopped… On March 26, I was so sick I ended up in the emergency room. As the doctors pondered whether or not I would be admitted, my family came in. Their faces told me something was up. My mom’s eyes were filled with pain and my big sister was barely holding it together. I began to pray immediately. My mother took my hand and said, “Adam’s gone.” I never screamed even though my heart broke into so many more pieces than 1,000. All I could say is, “No not my Adam.” At 30, I had become a widow. The bright future I saw became nothing but a black hole of emptiness. The journey coming back to me has been the hardest. There were days I had to tell myself, “Don’t give up. Take a shower. Take another step. You can do this, you have to do this. Adam never wanted to be the worst thing that ever happened to you.” The 9 month anniversary of his death was Dec. 26 and I cried for me again, selfish tears of why he wasn’t with me.
After my pity party was over, I found his favorite Mario shirt tucked among my things and all I could think of was one of the many conversations we had. Adam said, “Honey, if one of it doesn’t make it, now or in the future. You have to go on. You have to promise me that you will love again, keep writing and be the best you can.” It was profound advice from a man, who was never serious. If he was, it was time to listen and know that what he said had real meaning.
I had to share that back story, because I am in the midst of having some health testing. I’m having what I hope are non-epileptic seizures and was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. When I get to feeling down his words echo, “I love you, Go on and be the best you can.”
Moving Forward…It’s funny how a person can impact you. Be the best you can… My life revolution came from him, not because he’s gone, but because I had the “ah-ha” moment that backed up what I have been taught by my Mom, sisters, heroes and friends.
I am putting it to use as often as I can, not just as a New Year’s Resolutions. This is just for me and how I roll…
1) Be kinder than I am and try to show love to everyone. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard how nice I am. I’m not nice, at least no nicer than anyone else but …
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” ~Leo Buscaglia.
I want to be that act of caring, even if I feel crabby enough to bite someone. I’m about at about 80% success rate, but I’m working on it.
2) I am beautiful. With all the standards I set for myself and are pushed upon me through the media and my own sense of aesthetic, I put myself down. What makes me beautiful is my character and that will shine to the outside. It doesn’t matter if I am the Victoria Secret Model, someone on my 1000lb life or have any number of physical imperfections. If I am me, then I am beautiful. Screw the shell I don’t get to keep it when I’m gone.
3) Take a shower, I stink… One thing people never tell you about grief and life in general is that sometimes even the little things are like a trying to walk the full length of the Great Wall of China in one day. Shower is metaphorical and literal. It means take care of me so that I can take care of others. If I’m are overly tired, not eating, not showering or not taking care of myself my attitude, work, and relationships suffer i.e. stink! I really need to work on this one. I don’t take care of me like I should.
4) This last one is my advice. Have hope and faith… Life can suck butt… We all have things in our lives that make it hard. Money doesn’t grow on trees but then again neither does true love, good friends, book sales nor perfection. Those are just a few examples. Hard is hard and we all have our own set of burdens to deal with. I can’t compare my loss to someone who faces depression on a daily basis or just had a crap day, they are all hard. No levels just HARD. For me that hope and faith is in God but for you that hope and faith maybe elsewhere, just have some. Life is a field sometimes we need the fertilizer to grow. At times, the seemly pointless crap we go through can make us better and more beautiful people. Other times, it can make us a pile of poop. It all depends on how you look at it and what you do with it.
Take what I’m saying with a grain of salt I’m not expert but have a happy and prosperous New Year full of not just Resolutions but Revelations that change your lives for the better.